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【翻译比赛No2】老橡树童话集之玉米饼

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楼主:小印 2009-05-15

老橡树童话集 by Clifton Johnson

玉米饼

从前,有对老夫妻,跟他们的小儿子住在一起。一天早上,老头儿起床,点着了炉灶的火。老太婆起床,做了个玉米饼,把饼放进炉子里烤。

小儿子还在厨房里睡觉,老太婆把他摇醒,对他说:“你爹和我要去菜园子干活,你快起床,不一会儿玉米饼就得翻个面儿了。”

说着,老夫妻俩就去菜园子里挖土豆了,把小儿子留在家里看着炉子。可是,小儿子太懒了,他舒舒服服地赖在暖和的被窝里,半睡半醒。

过了一会儿,他自言自语道:“哦,天哪,我得起床给玉米饼翻个面儿了!”

可是玉米饼大声喊:“不,才不用你管呢,我自己会翻!”

小儿子不信,急急忙忙爬下床,开始穿衣服。还没等他穿上裤子,他就看见炉门“砰”一声弹开,跳出来一个玉米饼,朝开着的房门跑去。玉米饼跑得太快了,还没等小儿子抓到他,他就已经跑下楼梯,跑到大路上去了。

“玉米饼逃跑了,玉米饼逃跑了!”小儿子一边喊,一边迈开小短腿拼命追。老头儿和老太婆也扔下锄头,赶紧跟着一起追。

可是,玉米饼跑得比他们三个人都要快,一下子就跑得没影儿了。他们追得气喘吁吁,只好停下来,坐在路边休息。

玉米饼跑啊跑,遇到四个在草地上割草的人。这几个人抬头看见玉米饼,就喊道:“玉米饼,你这是去哪儿啊?”

“嘿!”玉米饼说:“一个老头儿,一个老太婆,还有他们的小儿子,都追不上我,连你们也……追不上我!”

“是吗?我们倒要瞧瞧!”割草的人说着就扔下手里的大镰刀,去追玉米饼。可是他们追不上,最后只好坐在路边歇一歇。

玉米饼跑啊跑,遇到两个挖沟的人,他们正在挖一条水沟。

“你要上哪儿,玉米饼?”他们问。

“嘿!”他说,“一个老头儿,一个老太婆,他们的小儿子,还有四个割草的,都追不上我,连你们也……追不上我!”

“是吗?我们倒要瞧瞧!”说着他们就扔下手里的铁锹去追。可是玉米饼很快就把他们甩在了身后。挖沟的人眼看追不上了,只好放弃,坐下来歇着。

玉米饼跑啊跑,遇到了一头熊。

“你去哪儿,玉米饼?”熊问。

“嘿!”玉米饼说,“一个老头儿,一个老太婆,他们的小儿子,四个割草的,还有两个挖沟的,都追不上我,连你也……追不上我!”

“是吗?我倒要瞧瞧!”熊咆哮着,撒开四条腿去追玉米饼,玉米饼沿着大路一溜烟跑掉了。很快,熊就被远远地落在了后面,他觉得还是不追了吧,伸个懒腰在路边休息。

玉米饼跑啊跑,遇到了一匹狼。

“你去哪儿,玉米饼?”狼问。

“嘿!”玉米饼说,“一个老头儿,一个老太婆,他们的小儿子,四个割草的,两个挖沟的,还有一头熊,都追不上我,连你也……追不上我!”

“是吗?我倒要瞧瞧!”狼吼着,飞奔着去追玉米饼。玉米饼跑得飞快,狼很快就发觉没希望追上他了,只好趴下来歇着。

玉米饼跑啊跑,遇到了一只狐狸,狐狸正躺在路边的小灌木丛里,懒洋洋地打瞌睡。

狐狸听到玉米饼来了,也不起来,高声问:“你去哪儿啊,玉米饼?”

“嘿!”玉米饼说,“一个老头儿,一个老太婆,他们的小儿子,四个割草的,两个挖沟的,一头熊,还有一匹狼,都追不上我,连你也……追不上我!”

狐狸说:“我听不见你说什么,玉米饼。你走近一点好吗?”

于是玉米饼就走近了一点,用非常大的声音喊:“一个老头儿,一个老太婆,他们的小儿子,四个割草的,两个挖沟的,一头熊,还有一匹狼,都追不上我,连你也……追不上我!”

“我还是听不见,你能不能再走近一点?”狐狸说,他还把一个爪子放在耳朵后面,让自己能听得更清楚一点。

于是玉米饼走得很近了,用更响的声音喊道:“一个老头儿,一个老太婆,他们的小儿子,四个割草的,两个挖沟的,一头熊,还有一匹狼,都追不上我,连你也……追不上我!”

“是吗?”狐狸尖啸一声,用锋利的牙齿一口咬住玉米饼,把他吃掉了。可怜的玉米饼就这么完蛋了。

#2 小印 2009-05-15

The Oak-Tree Fairy Book  by  ClifClifton Johnson
ton Johnson

JOHNNY-CAKE
[1]
O

ONCE upon a time there was an old man and an old woman and a little boy. One morning the old man got up and started the kitchen fire, and the old woman got up and made a Johnny-cake and put it in the oven to bake it.
The little boy slept in the kitchen, and the old woman shook him to awaken him, and said, "Your father and I are going out to work in the garden, and do you get up, and pretty soon you must turn the Johnny-cake."
So the old man and old woman went out and began to hoe potatoes in the garden and left the little boy to watch the oven; but the little boy was lazy, and he lay snug and warm in bed, half asleep.
By-and-by he said to himself, "Oh, dear, I shall have to get up to turn the Johnny-cake!"
But the Johnny-cake called out, "No, you needn't; I can turn myself."
The little boy was not sure about that, and he [2] scrambled out of bed and began to dress; but he had only got his trousers on when he saw the oven  door swing back, and out jumped Johnny-cake and started toward the open door, but Johnny-cake was too quick for him and was down the steps and out into the road before the little boy could catch him.
"Johnny-cake's running away, Johnny-cake's running away!" shouted the little boy, and hurried after him as fast as he could scamper, and the old man and the old woman threw down their hoes and hastened to join in the chase.
But Johnny-cake outran all three, and shortly was gone from sight, and his pursuers sat down,  panting for breath, on a bank to rest.
On went Johnny-cake, and by-and-by he came to four mowers in a meadow, who looked up from their work and called out, "Where are ye going Johnny-cake?"
"Oh," said Johnny-cake, "I've outrun an old man and an old woman and a little boy, and I can outrun you, too-o-o!"
"Ye can, can ye? We'll see about that!" said they, and they threw down their scythes and ran [5] after him; but they could not catch up with him, and presently they had to sit down by the roadside to rest.
On ran Johnny-cake, and by-and-by he came to two  ditch-diggers, who were digging a ditch.
"Where are you going, Johnny-cake?" they asked.
"Oh," said he, "I've outrun an old man and an old woman and a little boy and four mowers, and I can outrun you, too-o-o-!"
"Ye can, can ye? We'll see about that!" said they, and they threw down their spades and ran after him; but Johnny-cake soon outstripped them, and, seeing they could never catch him, they gave up the chase and sat down to rest.
On went Johnny-cake, and by-and-by he came to a bear. 
"Where are you going, Johnny-cake?" the bear asked.
Oh," said Johnny-cake, "I've outrun an old man and an old woman and a little boy and four mowers and two ditch diggers, and I can outrun you, too-o-o-!"
"Ye can, can ye? We'll see about that!" growled the bear, and hurried as fast as his legs [6] could carry him after Johnny-cake, who kept right on along the road.

Pretty soon the bear was left so far behind that he saw he might as well give up the hunt first as last. So he stretched himself by the wayside to rest.
On went Johnny-cake, and by-and-by  he came to a wolf.
"Where are you going, Johnny-cake?" the wolf asked
Oh," said Johnny-cake, "I've outrun an old man and an old woman and a little boy and four mowers and two ditch diggers and a bear, and I can outrun you, too-o-o-!"
"Ye can, can ye? We'll see about that!" snarled the wolf; and he set off at a gallop after Johnny-cake, who went on and on so fast that the wolf soon saw there was no hope in catching him, and lay down to rest.
On went Johnny-cake, and by-and-by  he came to a fox, who was stretched out for a nap among some bushes a little aside from the road.
The fox heard Johnny-cake coming, and he cried out in a sharp voice, without getting up, "Where are ye going, Johnny-cake?"
Oh," said Johnny-cake, "I've outrun an old [7] man and an old woman and a little boy and four mowers and two ditch diggers and a bear and a wolf, and I can outrun you, too-o-o-!"
The fox said, "I can't quite hear ye, Johnny-cake. Won't ye come a little closer?"

So Johnny-cake went a little closer, and called out in a very loud voice, "I've outrun an old man and an old woman and a little boy and four mowers and two ditch diggers and a bear and a wolf, and I can outrun you,  TOO-O-O!"
"I can't quite hear ye. Won't ye come a little closer?" said the fox, putting a paw behind one of his ears to help him hear better.
So Johnny-cake came up quite close and screamed out still louder, "I'VE OUTRUN AND OLD MAN AND AN OLD WOMAN AND A LITTLE BOY AND FOUR MOWERS AND TWO DITCH DIGGERS AND A BEAR AND A WOLF, AND I CAN OUTRUN YOU, TOO-O-O-!"
[8] "Ye can, can ye?" yelped the fox, and he snapped up Mr. Johnny-cake in his sharp teeth and ate him; and that was the end of poor Johnny-cake.

#3 小印 2009-05-15

1. Johnny-cake是美国新英格兰地区的一种用玉米面做成的面食,原来叫journey-cake,就好像中国古代给出外旅行的人准备的干粮。我就翻成了玉米饼。
2. an old man, an old woman and a little boy,这个很难翻译,中国孩子挺难想象老头老太的儿子是个小男孩。我本来想翻成老头老太的孙子是小男孩,后来还是觉得以尊重原文为上,把小男孩意译成了小儿子。
3. 我个人觉得,童话翻译最难的不是语言,而是社会文化背景。这则童话的背景显然是美国新英格兰地区19世纪的农村生活,有菜园子、割草的,挖水沟的,小孩还睡厨房里面。对当时的孩子而言,读童话就好像在读自己的生活,学习自己的生活环境,对中国城市孩子而言,这故事好玩,但不亲近。我觉得我们不仅要译,还可以改写,把主要情节留下,故事的主人公和其他配角都可以换成城市孩子熟悉的东西。至于怎么改写,那就得再花很多功夫了。
4. 儿童文学是小孩子学习语言、扩大词汇量的过程,原文中不同词汇的丰富表达,我也尽量在中文中展现出来。

#4 囡囡妈 2009-05-15

和姜饼人的故事很像,可以算是改写吧。

有时间再找找作者更具有个人风格的其它作品,可能翻起来更有趣。:)

#5 小印 2009-05-15

对啊,记得《天线宝宝》里面写过一个现代版姜饼男孩,更好玩呢,最后姜饼男孩拉着气球飞到天上去了。

#6 乐乌拉 2009-05-16

故事结局真实出乎意料,好狡猾的狐狸,可怜的玉米饼......

沿路别人问的这句话:你这是去哪儿啊?
根据玉米饼的回答,他的意思大约就是,他们都追不上我,你也追不上的......
这样的话,就感觉,前人的问话“你这是去哪儿啊?”有点对不上,你们觉得呢......这句话是不是可以理解为,口语里常说的,“往哪儿跑啊,小子”那种语气......

关于童话故事是不是要该写,把背景换成换成适合本地读者的样子,可能是因故事而异,我基本还是倾向于,保留原貌,不妨碍原作者和读者之间的交流。阅读异国他乡的风情故事,更可以在小朋友的心里留下一片想象的空间,引导他们探索更广袤的生活。读者的生活环境虽然有城乡之别,但是小朋友的心灵是没有这种分别的.... 表情占位:s:132

#7 小印 2009-05-16

引用:
引用第5楼乐乌拉于2009-05-16 10:04发表的  :
故事结局真实出乎意料,好狡猾的狐狸,可怜的玉米饼......

沿路别人问的这句话:你这是去哪儿啊?
根据玉米饼的回答,他的意思大约就是,他们都追不上我,你也追不上的......
这样的话,就感觉,前人的问话“你这是去哪儿啊?”有点对不上,你们觉得呢......这句话是不是可以理解为,口语里常说的,“往哪儿跑啊,小子”那种语气......
.......

谢谢你的建议。
其实这也是我忘了提的一点。

我原来担心的是,原文里面是 I outran .....
直译的话是,我跑赢了。。。。,主语是我,这样的话,上下文更通顺一点。

你的建议非常好,我对“where are ya going”理解得不太准确。

是不是应该翻成 “玉米饼,你跑什么啊?”

#8 乐乌拉 2009-05-16

我是读着中文这么想的......等待英文好的精灵现身 表情占位:s:134

#9 慕容胖胖 2009-05-16

哎呀,看来这种追吃的东西的故事很流行啊,日本追饭团子,国外追玉米饼子

#10 coffeecat 2009-05-16

这个故事,似乎在每个国家都有个类似的版本,呵呵。
翻译本身倒还是蛮喜人的。

#11 鹏鹏 2009-06-10

个人感觉"老太婆"有贬义,译成"老婆婆"可能好一些.

#12 十画 2009-06-24

嗯,小印开头这样翻译“从前,有对老夫妻,跟他们的小儿子住在一起。一天早上,老头儿起床,点着了炉灶的火。老太婆起床,做了个玉米饼,把饼放进炉子里烤。 ”我很中意这样处理。

“玉米饼逃跑了,玉米饼逃跑了!”小儿子一边喊,一边迈开小短腿拼命追。老头儿和老太婆也扔下锄头,赶紧跟着一起追。

这里,如果在生活中,估计会是这样喊吧:“饼,跑啦!饼,跑啦!”

#13 coffeecat 2009-06-24

赞同画的意见,不过我会把逗号去掉
饼跑了,饼跑了!

#14 绿山墙的安妮 2009-06-25

这个翻译的比我的好,非常口语化,非常自然呀,读着舒服。早知道你翻译了我就不翻了,造成了对比。555。  表情占位:s:133

#15 十画 2009-06-25

引用:
引用第13楼绿山墙的安妮于2009-06-25 08:48发表的  :
这个翻译的比我的好,非常口语化,非常自然呀,读着舒服。早知道你翻译了我就不翻了,造成了对比。555。  表情占位:s:133

对比才好玩呢,我最喜欢同题中显现的差异,就像人各有各的味道一样嘛。

#16 十画 2009-06-25

引用:
引用第12楼coffeecat于2009-06-24 22:03发表的  :
赞同画的意见,不过我会把逗号去掉
饼跑了,饼跑了!

加逗号的目的是表现上气不接下气,哈哈。