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[翻译大赛NO.2]  一只狼和七只小鹅 第三稿微调 大家看看

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楼主:圆月饼 2009-07-17

出自 老橡树的童话

原文链接
http://www.mainlesson.com/display.php?author=johnson&book=oak&story=seven

第三稿,第二稿的基础上前面和后面有些微调。

从前,有只鹅,她有七个宝宝。鹅妈妈很爱他们,精心的呵护照顾着宝贝们。
 
最令她担心的,就是宝宝们的安全。因为,有只大灰狼就住在附近的森林里,他常常在鹅妈妈的家周围转悠,还鬼鬼祟祟的。
 
所以,每次鹅妈妈要出去买东西的时候,就把小鹅们叫到一起,嘱咐他们:“亲爱的宝宝们,我得离开一会儿了,去给你们买肉肉,买果果吃。你们要乖噢,千万别给大灰狼开门。大灰狼嘛,他嗓音又粗又哑,大爪子黑黑的-----只要听到粗嗓音看到黑脚丫,那就是大灰狼。千万别给他开门,否则,你们都会被吃掉。
每次,七只小鹅都齐声说:“噢,我们会乖乖的,亲爱的妈咪,您别为我们担心了。”
 
有一天,鹅妈妈出去买东西,大灰狼趁机来到房子前轻轻的敲了敲门,用又粗又哑的声音说:“宝贝儿们,开门呀,我是你们的妈咪。给你们买了好多好多好吃的。”
 
七只小鹅一听就知道了,说到:“你不是我们的妈妈,不是,不是,妈妈的声音又好听又甜美。你的声音太粗了。你是大灰狼,我们才不上当呢,不开门。”
 
狼灰溜溜的走了,他不死心,绞尽脑汁儿想出了个鬼点子。他去一家杂货店,对老板说:“给我一支最大的粉笔."
老板把粉笔给了他,狼把粉笔吃了,很奇妙啊,狼的嗓音变得又好听又甜美。接着,他回到了七只小鹅的门前,用他又好听又甜美的声音说:“宝贝们,开门呀,我是你们的妈咪。给你们买了好多好多好吃的。”

但是,七只小鹅弯下腰,从门底下一看,有双黑脚丫。于是,小鹅们说到:“噢 ,我们的妈妈没有黑脚丫。你是大灰狼,我们才不上当呢,就是不开门。”
 
狼又灰溜溜的走了,可他仍不死心,绞尽脑汁儿的又想出了个鬼点子。这次,狼去了面包房,对面包师说:“你,在我脚上撒些面粉。”面包师才不愿意这么做,但是,狼威胁他:“你要是不照我说的做,我就吃了你。”
 
面包师也很害怕,就往狼的黑脚丫上撒了些面粉。之后,狼又回到了七只小鹅的门前,又说到:“宝贝儿们,开门呀,我是你们的妈咪。给你们买了好多好多好吃的。”
狼的声音又好听又甜美,而且,小鹅们从门底下往外看,狼的黑脚丫也像雪一样的白了,小鹅们以为是鹅妈妈回来了。打开了门,嗖~~,狼立刻窜了进去。
 
小鹅们吓坏了,惊叫着四散躲藏。老大钻桌子,老二躲到床底下,老三藏进炉子里,老四躲到橱柜后,老五钻衣柜,老六紧紧地贴着一个大罐子,老七跑到了座钟里。狼把他们都找了出来,一口吞下去,饱饱的美美的离开了。只有座钟里的老小躲过了这一关。
 
没多久,鹅妈妈就回来了。房门大开着!桌椅都翻倒在地!厨房的盆盆罐罐也都被打破了!床罩也丢在地上!啊,太糟了,孩子们都不见了!她哪里也找不到他们。鹅妈妈呼唤着每个宝宝的名字,可是,没有任何回应,直到她叫到老小时,一个弱弱的小小的声音回答到:“亲爱的妈咪,我在座钟里啊。”
 
鹅妈妈赶紧把小宝宝拉了出来,老小赶紧对妈妈说了刚才的事情。于是,鹅妈妈从厨房里拿了把刀,说:“小宝儿,走,我们找那只可恶的大灰狼算账去。他肯定走不远。吃的那么饱,一定躺在什么地方睡大觉呢。”
于是,鹅妈妈拿着刀,小宝宝紧紧的跟着她。她们沿着狼的足迹走进了草地,在那里,他们发现了狼,睡得死死的,还打着呼噜。
“嘘......他在这儿”,鹅妈妈低声说。“我的六个宝贝都成了他的晚饭,怎么没把他撑死?!”
 
然后,鹅妈妈偷偷的靠近狼身边,用刀猛的刺向狼肚子,杀死了他。
 
然后,她刨开他的肚皮,这时候,六只小鹅一个接着一个的从里面跑了出来。因为狼当时饿极了,他把宝宝们整个的吞了下去,所以小鹅们伤得不重,只是受了些惊吓。总算从那黑黑的可怕的监狱里逃出来了,小鹅们高兴极了,他们紧紧地跟在妈妈的身后一起往家走,这个时候,宝宝们觉得他们是世界上最幸福的。鹅宝宝们齐声唱着:“世上只有妈妈好,有妈的孩子是个宝。。。。。。”

第二遍译文:
从前,有只鹅,她有七个宝宝。鹅妈妈很爱很爱他们,精心的呵护照顾着宝贝们。
 
鹅妈妈也有烦心事,她最担心宝宝们的安全。因为,有只大灰狼就住在附近的森林里,他常常在鹅妈妈的家周围转悠啊转,还鬼鬼祟祟的。
 
所以,每次,鹅妈妈要出去买东西的时候,就把小鹅们叫到一起,嘱咐他们:“亲爱的宝宝们,我得离开一会儿了,去给你们买肉肉,买果果吃。你们要乖噢,千万别给大灰狼开门。大灰狼嘛,他嗓音又粗又哑,大爪子黑黑的-----只要听到粗嗓音看到黑脚丫,那就是大灰狼。千万别给他开门,否则,你们都会被吃掉。

每次,七只小鹅都齐声说:“噢,我们会乖乖的,亲爱的妈咪,您别为我们担心了。”
 
有一天,鹅妈妈出去买东西,大灰狼趁机来到房子前轻轻的敲了敲门,用又粗又哑的声音说:“宝贝儿们,开门呀,我是你们的妈咪。给你们买了好多好多好吃的。”
七只小鹅一听就知道了,说到:“你不是我们的妈妈,不是,不是,妈妈的声音又好听又甜美。你的声音太粗了。你是大灰狼,我们才不上当呢,不开门。”
 
狼灰溜溜的走了,他不死心,绞尽脑汁儿想出了个鬼点子。他去一家杂货店,对老板说:“给我一支最大的粉笔."

老板把粉笔给了他,狼把粉笔吃了,很奇秒啊,狼的嗓音变得又好听又甜美。接着,他回到了七只小鹅的门前,用他又好听又甜美的声音说:“宝贝们,开门呀,我是你们的妈咪。给你们买了好多好多好吃的。”

但是,七只小鹅弯下腰,从门底下一看,有双黑脚丫。于是,小鹅们说到:“噢 ,我们的妈妈没有黑脚丫。你是大灰狼,我们才不上当呢,就是不开门。”
 
狼又灰溜溜的走了,可他仍不死心,绞尽脑汁儿的又想出了个鬼点子。这次,狼去了面包房,对面包师说:“你,在我脚上撒些面粉。”面包师才不愿意这么做,但是,狼威胁他:“你要是不照我说的做,我就吃了你。”
 
面包师也很害怕,就往狼的黑脚丫上撒了些面粉。之后,狼又回到了七只小鹅的房门前,又说到:“宝贝儿们,开门呀,我是你们的妈咪。给你们买了好多好多好吃的。”

狼的声音又好听又甜美,而且,小鹅们从门底下往外看,狼的黑脚丫也像雪一样的白了,小鹅们以为是鹅妈妈回来了。打开了门,嗖~~,狼立刻窜了进去。
 
小鹅们吓坏了,惊叫着四散躲藏。老大钻桌子,老二躲到床底下,老三藏进炉子里,老四躲到橱柜后,老五钻衣柜,老六紧紧地贴着一个大罐子,老七则跑到了座钟里。狼把他们都找了出来,一口吞下去,饱饱的美美的离开了。只有座钟里的老小躲过了这一关。

没多久,鹅妈妈就回来了。房门大开着!桌椅都翻倒在地!厨房的盆盆罐罐也都被打破了!床罩也丢在地上!啊,太糟了,孩子们都不见了!她哪里也找不到他们。鹅妈妈呼唤着每个宝宝的名字,可是,没有任何回应,直到她叫到老小时,一个弱弱的小小的声音回答到:“亲爱的妈咪,我在座钟里啊。”
 
鹅妈妈赶紧把小宝宝拉了出来,老小赶紧对妈妈说了刚才的事情。于是,鹅妈妈从厨房里拿了把刀,说:“小宝儿,走,我们找那只可恶的大灰狼算账去。他肯定走不远。吃的那么饱,一定躺在什么地方睡大觉呢。”

于是,鹅妈妈拿着刀,小宝宝紧紧的跟着她。她们沿着狼的足迹走进了草地,在那里,他们发现了狼,睡得死死的,还打着呼噜。

“嘘......他在这儿”,鹅妈妈低声说。“我的六个宝贝都成了他的晚饭,怎么没把他撑死?!”
 
然后,鹅妈妈偷偷的靠近狼身边,用刀子猛的刺向狼肚子,杀死了他。
然后,她刨开他的肚子,这时候,六只小鹅一个接着一个的从里面跑了出来。因为狼当时饿极了,他把宝宝们整个的吞了下去,所以小鹅们伤得不重,只是受了些惊吓。总算从那黑黑的可怕的监狱里逃了出来,小鹅们高兴极了,他们紧紧地跟在妈妈的身后一起往家走,这个时候,宝宝们觉得他们是世界上最幸福的。鹅宝宝们齐声唱着:“世上只有妈妈好,有妈的孩子是个宝。。。。。。”

第一遍译文:

从前,有一只鹅,她有七个鹅宝宝,她很爱他们,可以为他们做任何事情(还是翻译成?她可以为他们付出一切)。

最困扰她的是,怎么才能让宝宝们平平安安的。因为,有一只大灰狼就住在附近的森林里,他时常在鹅妈妈的家周围鬼鬼祟祟的徘徊。

当她不得不出去买吃的的时候,她就把小鹅们叫到一起,对他们说:“亲爱的宝宝们,我得离开你们一会儿,去外面找一些吃的回来。你们要小心,千万不要让大灰狼进来。你们要知道他的嗓音粗哑,有黑色的大爪子。他一旦进到房子里,就会吃了你们。

这七只小鹅总是齐声回答:“噢,我们会小心的,亲爱的妈妈,您不必为我们担心。”

有一天,当鹅妈妈出去找食物的时候,大灰狼来到房子前轻轻的敲了敲门,用他粗哑的嗓音说:“亲爱的孩子们,开门呀,我是你们的妈妈。我给你们带来了好东西。”
七只小鹅回答到:“你不是我们的妈妈,她有好听,甜美的声音。你的声音太粗了。你是狼,我们是不会开门的。”

之后,大灰狼绞尽脑汁想出了一条诡计。他到一家店里,对店主说:“给我一只巨大的粉笔."
店主把粉笔给了大灰狼,狼吃了它,嗓音就变得好听甜美了。然后,他回到了七只小鹅的门前,用他好听,甜美的声音说:“亲爱的孩子们,让我进去呀。我是你们的妈妈,给你们每个人都带来了好吃的。”
但是七只小鹅从门底下的缝隙里看到他的黑爪子。于是,小鹅们说到:“噢,我们的妈妈没有黑脚丫。你是大灰狼,我们是不会给你开门的。”

于是,狼去了面包师那里,对他说:“面包师,在我脚上撒些面粉。”面包师不愿意这么做,但是狼威胁说:“你要是不这么做,我就吃了你。”
面包师就往狼脚上撒了面粉,之后,狼又回到了七只小鹅的房门前,说到:“亲爱的孩子们,开开门呀,我是你们的妈妈,给你们每个人都带来了好吃的。”

狼的声音好听又甜美,而且,当小鹅们从门底下的缝隙里看时,狼的爪子也像雪一样的白,他们以为他是鹅妈妈。就打开了房门,狼趁机立刻窜了进去。

小鹅们吓坏了,惊叫着四散躲藏。老大钻到了桌子底下,老二躲进床底避难,老三个藏到炉子里,老四藏到橱柜后面,老五钻进衣柜,老六紧紧贴着一个大罐子,老七奔到了座钟里。狼挨个找到他们,一口吞下去,吃饱了就离开了这里。只有座钟里的老小逃过了这一关。

不久之后,鹅妈妈回到了家。房门大开着!桌椅都翻倒在地!厨房的盆盆罐罐也都被打破了!床罩也丢在地上!太糟糕了,孩子们都不见了!她哪里也找不到他们。她挨个呼唤每个孩子的名字,但是没有任何回应,直到她叫老小的名字时,一个微弱细小的声音回答到:“亲爱的妈妈,我在座钟里。”

她赶紧把小宝宝拉了出来,鹅宝宝和妈妈叙述了刚才发生了什么。鹅妈妈对这个最小的鹅宝宝说:“跟我来,亲爱的。我带上刀子,看看我们能不能找到那只邪恶的大灰狼。他不会走远的。吃的那么饱,他一定躺在什么地方睡大觉呢。”

于是,鹅妈妈拿着刀子,叮嘱小鹅宝宝要紧紧的跟在她身后。她们沿着狼的足迹走进了草地,在那里他们发现了睡得很死的狼,他还打着鼾。

“嘘......他在这儿”,鹅妈妈低声说。“毫无疑问,他把我的六个孩子都当晚饭吃了,一定感觉很舒服。”

然后,她偷偷的靠近狼,用刀子猛的刺狼肚子,杀死了他。然后,她刨开狼的肚子,六只小鹅一个接着一只的从里面走了出来。因为狼把他们整个吞了下去,所以小鹅们伤得不重,只是受惊了。能从黑黑的监狱里逃出来让他们很高兴,他们跟在鹅妈妈的后面往家里走,世界上再没有比他们更幸福的小鹅了。

原文

THE WOLF AND THE SEVEN LITTLE GOSLINGS[163]
O图片占位:http://www.mainlesson.com/info/spacer.gifNCE there was a goose who had seven little goslings of whom she was very fond, and she did everything she could for them.

What troubled her most was to keep them safe from a big gray wolf who lived near by in the forest, and who sometimes came prowling around the house that the goose lived in. Whenever she had to go out to look for food she called the goslings all together and said, "Dear children, I am obliged to leave you for a little while to go and get something for us to eat. Take care of yourselves and do not let the wolf come in. You will know him by his rough voice and his black paws. If he once gets in the house he will eat you."

The goslings always replied, "Oh, we will be very careful, dear mother. You need not worry about us."
One day, when the mother goose had gone out to get food, the wolf came to the house and rapped, [164] and said in his rough voice, "Dear children, open the door. I am your mother. I have brought you something very nice."

The seven little goslings made answer, "You are not our mother. She has a fine, sweet voice. Your voice is rough. You are the wolf, and we will not open the door."

Then the wolf bethought himself of a trick. He went to a shopkeeper and said, "Give me a great piece of chalk."
The shopkeeper gave the wolf the chalk, and the wolf ate it, and it made his voice fine and sweet. Then he went back to the house of the seven little goslings and said with his fine, sweet voice, "Dear children, let me come in. I am your mother, and every one of you shall have something to eat."

But the seven little goslings looked through the crack beneath the door and saw his black paws. Then they said, "Oho! our mother does not have black feet. You are the wolf, and we will not open the door."

So the wolf went to a baker and said, "Baker, sprinkle my feet with flour."
The baker did not wish to do this, but the wolf said, "If you do not obey I will eat you."

[165] So the baker strewed the wolf's feet with flour, and the wolf went back to the seven little goslings and said, "Dear children, open the door. I am your mother, and every one of you shall have something to eat."

The wolf's voice was sweet and fine, and when the little goslings looked under the door and saw the wolf's paws as white as snow, they thought he was their mother. They opened the door and the wolf leaped in.

The goslings were very much frightened then and they hid themselves as quickly as they could. One went under the table, the second into the bed, the third into the oven, the fourth behind the meal-chest, the fifth in a closet, the sixth beneath a great pot, and the seventh went into the clock. But the wolf found them all and ate them except the youngest, who was in the clock, and then he went away.

Shortly afterward the mother goose came home. The door was open! Tables and chairs were overturned! the kitchen pots were broken! the bedclothes were on the floor! and, what was worse, the children were gone! Nowhere could she find them. Then she called them each by name, and there was nothing but silence in response until she came to [166] the name of the youngest, when a little squeaking voice answered, "Dear mother, I am in the clock."

She pulled him out, and he related to her what had happened.

The old goose said to the little one, "Come with me. I will take the carving knife, and we will see if we can find that wicked wolf. He has not gone far. After eating so much he he has lain down somewhere to sleep."
So the mother goose took the carving knife and set forth with the little gosling close behind her. They followed the wolf's tracks into a meadow, and there they found him fast asleep and snoring.

图片占位:http://www.mainlesson.com/books/johnson/oak/zpage166.gif

"Here he is," whispered the mother goose. [167] "No doubt he feels very comfortable after eating six of my children for his supper."

Then she stole up to the wolf and gave him a blow with the carving knife that killed him. After that she cut him open and out stepped the six little goslings one by one; for he had swallowed them whole and they were more frightened than hurt. They were very glad to escape from their dark prison, and as they walked along behind the mother goose toward home, there never were happier goslings in the world than they were.

#2 囡囡妈 2009-07-17

可以为他们做任何事情——不是可以为,是已经为了,语意错了。

买吃的的时候——买吃的?

你们要知道他的嗓音粗哑,有黑色的大爪子。——听到声音看到爪子,就知道他是狼了。

他到一家店里——什么店?

窜了进去。。。。。。 ——后面丢了一大段啊。

我带上刀子——这话怎么感觉不舒服啊

毫无疑问,他把我的六个孩子都当晚饭吃了,一定感觉很舒服。” ——这话也很不舒服

月饼再润润色吧,要注意翻译中的语感。

我有个绘本是基于这个故事的,不过内容有改编,很漂亮的一本书,书名是"Mother Goose and the Sly Fox" Retold and with pictures by Chris Conover

#3 圆月饼 2009-07-18

谢谢囡囡妈,我有时间的时候再好好想想。

囡妈,原文里,狼窜进了屋子,就没有内容了。我是想给大家联想的空间,所以用了省略号。

恩,语言的润色,我还好好好弄弄的。
希望有机会看看你的那本绘本噢 表情占位:s:134

这里先放一下我的想法,大家多提建议:

题目:一头狼和七只小鹅   怎么样?

#4 囡囡妈 2009-07-18

引用:
引用第2楼圆月饼于2009-07-18 09:48发表的 Re:[翻译大赛NO.2] 一只狼和七只小鹅 :
囡妈,原文里,狼窜进了屋子,就没有内容了。我是想给大家联想的空间,所以用了省略号。
.......
哦?是吗?那这段话是哪里的?
The goslings were very much frightened then and they hid themselves asquickly as they could. One went under the table, the second into thebed, the third into the oven, the fourth behind the meal-chest, thefifth in a closet, the sixth beneath a great pot, and the seventh wentinto the clock. But the wolf found them all and ate them except theyoungest, who was in the clock, and then he went away.

#5 圆月饼 2009-07-18

表情占位:s:138 还真是啊,谢谢囡囡妈

看来真不能一心二用,校对的时候也只是看了译文,没看原稿。

#6 囡囡妈 2009-07-18

横横~~不认真~~ 图片占位:http://rs.phpwind.net/E___5138ZHMGPWFG.gif

你要认真修改,俺就给你看绘本~~ 图片占位:http://rs.phpwind.net/E___5399ZHMGPWFG.gif

#7 盈果 2009-07-18

很可爱的小故事啊。

#8 coffeecat 2009-07-18

呃。。饼啊。你还需要把这个故事翻译得再可爱再好看一点。
建议你把搞笑版写完以后,对照你的翻译,用你自己写东西的口气来理一遍。
这个故事还是比较适合小些的孩子,5、6岁吧,所以,用词不要过于书面 比如徘徊,这个词本身很好,不过我觉得,像在房子周围打转啊,转悠啊什么的,似乎更容易理解。

#9 圆月饼 2009-07-18

恩,猫的用词我明白了,我该多看看小孩子们怎么说话的,到哪个版块多溜达好呢? 表情占位:s:135

#10 囡囡妈 2009-07-19

这也太跳跃了,一下成意译风格了,很不习惯呢。。 表情占位:s:138

恩恩~~看你修炼的精神可嘉,给你一份绘本介绍看看~~http://lazynanma.blog.hexun.com/27802121_d.html 表情占位:s:134

#11 圆月饼 2009-07-19

谢谢囡囡妈咪,我现在就看去

那我,再修炼修炼,争取有更好的成果 表情占位:s:134

那本书那么好,为什么绝版了?

#12 coffeecat 2009-07-19

嘿嘿,修改以后很可爱的说。 表情占位:s:135

#13 圆月饼 2009-07-21

那就好。或许,有更好的翻译,能完美就再完美一些好 表情占位:s:134

#14 大手拉小手 2009-07-25

很奇秒啊

打错啦,奇妙

#15 慕容胖胖 2009-07-27

饼饼,你太勤奋了,让我太惭愧了!

为了补偿我,让我咬一口来!