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[翻译大赛NO.3] THE MOUSE AND THE SUN/老鼠和太阳

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楼主:慕子翔 2010-10-14

THE MOUSE AND THE SUN

老鼠和太阳

LONG before the white men came to Canada, and when the animals ruled the earth, a little boy and his sister lived alone on the Canadian plains. Their father and mother died when the children were very young. The children had no relations, and they were left to look after themselves. They lived many miles from other people; indeed they had never seen any people but their parents, they lived so far away. The boy was very small; he was no bigger than a baby. The girl was large and strong, and she had to provide food for both of them and do all the work in the house. She had to take care of her little brother, and she took him with her wherever she went so that no harm would come to him. She made him a bow and a number of arrows to play with. One day in winter she went out to gather wood for the fire. She took her little brother with her. She told him to hide while she walked farther on. She said, "You will soon see a flock of snow birds passing near you if you watch. Shoot one of them and bring it home." The snow lay deep on the plains, and many snow birds were flying around looking for food. The boy tried to shoot them, but his aim was not good, and he was unable to hit any of [47] them. When his sister came back to him, he had no bird and he was very much ashamed. But his sister said, "Never mind. Do not be discouraged. You will have better luck to-morrow. "

很久以前,加拿大还没有白人,那时,野兽统治着大地,有一个小男孩和他姐姐孤零零地住在加拿大平原上。 很小的时侯,他们的爸爸妈妈就已经过世了。姐弟俩没有其他亲属,只能靠自己照料自己。他们住的离其他人很远。因为离得太远,姐弟俩除了爸爸妈妈就没见过别人。男孩很小,他还只不过是一个小娃娃。女孩则高高壮壮的,于是她得为两个人找吃的,还得做所有的家务活。姐姐得照料小弟弟呀,因此无论去哪,姐姐都把弟弟带在身边,这样弟弟才不会遇到什么危险。姐姐还给弟弟做了一把弓和一些箭让他玩耍。一个冬天里,姐姐得外出检柴火。她把小弟弟带上了一块去。姐姐在远一点的地方检,她让弟弟躲在一个地方等她。姐姐对弟弟说,“要仔细看着周围哦,一会儿这里要经过一群雪鸟。你可以射下一只来带回家。”荒原上,雪越下越厚,很多雪鸟飞到附近来寻找食物。男孩试着去射它们,但他的准头不行,一只也很难射中。姐姐回来了,弟弟手上还是没有鸟儿,他羞愧极了。姐姐安慰弟弟说,“没关系的,你别泄气呀。明天就会有更好的运气了。”

The next day the girl took her brother with her again when she went to gather wood. She left him behind at the place where he had hidden himself the day before. Again the snow birds came flying past, searching for food. The boy shot several arrows at them, and at last he killed one. When his sister came back to him, he showed her the bird. He was pleased with his success, and he said, "I shall try to kill one each day. You must skin them and when we have enough skins, I shall make a coat from them." And his sister promised to do as he wished. Each day the boy went with his sister and waited for the snow birds to fly past. And each day he killed one and took it home. They skinned the birds and dried the skins. Soon the boy had enough bird skins to make a coat, for he was very small. A few bird skins made his coat. His sister sewed the skins together and the boy put on the coat. He was very proud of it.

第二天,姐姐又带上了弟弟去检柴火。她把弟弟留在了昨天藏过的地方。雪鸟群又飞来寻找食物。男孩向它们射了好些箭,终于他杀死了一只。姐姐回来后,他很高兴地把鸟儿给姐姐看。男孩对他的战果感到自豪,说,“我会试着每天都杀死一只鸟。你来把它的皮剥下,有了足够的皮后,我就可以做一件鸟皮大衣了。”姐姐答应了他。每一天,男孩和姐姐一起出门,然后等雪鸟飞过。每一天,他都杀死了一只带回家。姐弟俩剥下鸟皮把它们晒干。很快男孩就有了足够的鸟皮去做大衣,他那么地小,少少的鸟皮就可以做大衣。姐姐把皮细细密密地缝在一起,终于做好了。男孩把大衣穿在身上,他感到十分自豪。

One day the boy said to his sister, "Sister, we are all alone in the world. We have never seen any other people except our father and mother. Are there any other people on the earth?" His sister told him that she had heard from her mother that other people lived far away to the east beyond [48] the mists of the prairie, and that others, from whom his mother had come, lived away to the west beyond the distant hills. The boy said, "I should like to see my mother's people if they are anywhere on the earth." So one day when his sister was away, he put on his bird-skin coat and took his bow and arrows and set out towards the distant hills to see if he could find his mother's people. It was spring-time in the north country. The sun had melted the snow, and little streams were flowing and little blades of grass had begun to peep above the ground. But the earth was soft and wet, and the day was hot, and warm winds blew over the plains. The boy walked for a long time. By the time the sun was high up in the sky, he was very tired, for he was very small. He came to a dry knoll and lay down to rest. Soon he fell asleep. As he slept, the sun beat down upon him. It was so hot that it singed his bird-skin coat; then the coat shrank and shrank in the heat until it was only a small patch on his back. When he awoke and stretched himself, he burst his coat in many places, it had grown so tight. He was very cross when he saw how the sun had ruined his coat. He shook his fist at the sun and said, "I will have vengeance; you need not think you are too high to escape me. I will punish you yet." He decided that without his coat he could not go any farther to seek his mother's people, and at evening he returned home.

一天,男孩对姐姐说,“姐姐,我们在这世界好孤独呀,除了爸爸妈妈,就没有看过别的人,有没有其他人在这世界上呀?”姐姐告诉弟弟说,她曾听妈妈说起过,向东越过大草原的迷雾,很远的地方,有一族人居住在那里;而向西越过那些遥远的山脉,是另一族人的住处,他们的妈妈就来自那里。男孩说,“我一定要去看一看妈妈的族人,只要他们还在这个世界的话。”一天,姐姐外出后,男孩穿上他的鸟皮大衣,带上他的弓和箭,朝着那些遥远的山脉进发了,他要去找寻妈妈的族人。这时正是北国的春天,太阳融化了冰雪,小溪开始哗哗流响,青草的嫩尖偷偷地探出大地。地面还是潮湿又松软,天气开始燥热,暖风阵阵拂过了平原。男孩已经走了很久。太阳正高高挂在天际,他感到十分疲倦,因为他还是那么小。男孩爬上了一个干燥的小圆丘,他躺了下来休息。很快他便睡着了。当男孩睡着的时候,太阳在天上炙烤着他。这是如此的炎热,以至于他的鸟皮大衣开始焦黄,那大衣在高热下不停地收缩起皱,到最后,只剩下很小的卷卷缀在后背。男孩醒来了,他伸了个懒腰,大衣爆裂了,散的到处都是,因为它已经变得太紧了。男孩看到太阳把心爱的大衣弄坏成这样,他生气极了,朝太阳挥舞着拳头说,“我会报仇的,你不要以为你站的很高,就可以逃得了,我一定会惩罚你的。”男孩觉得没了大衣,他就没法走的更远去找妈妈的族人,所以傍晚时分他就回到了家里。

When he reached home, he showed his sister his ruined [49] coat. He was very sad, and for weeks he would scarcely eat a bite. And all the time he spoke bitterly of the sun. His sister tried to comfort him. She told him that next winter when the snow birds came flying south again, he could kill more of them and she would make him another coat. But for a long time he would not be comforted. At last he roused himself. He asked his sister to make him a snare, for he was going to catch the sun. She made him a snare from a buffalo-hide cord, but he told her that it would not do. Then she cut off some of her long black hair, and from it she made a braided noose. The boy said that it would do very well. Then he set out to catch the sun. He travelled many days until he came to the Great Water in the East. It was summer in the north country, and the sun rose early. The boy placed his snare just where the sun would strike the land when he rose at dawn out of the sea, and he watched from a distance. Sure enough, in the morning just as the sun rose out of the sea and came above the earth, he was caught in the snare and held fast. The sun could not rise; he was held fast to the earth. The boy was quite pleased with his success. "Now," he said, "I have punished the sun for ruining my bird-skin coat." And he returned to his home on the plains.

男孩到家后,他把破了的大衣给姐姐看。他十分伤心,一整周没吃什么东西,只是无时不刻地咒骂着太阳。姐姐试着安慰弟弟。她告诉弟弟说,“下个冬天,雪鸟还会从南方飞回,你可以射下更多的来,姐姐会为你做一件更好的外衣。”但接下去很长时间,男孩都闷闷不乐。最终男孩还是振作了起来。他请求姐姐为他做一条套索,他准备用套索来抓太阳。姐姐便用牛皮绳为他做了一条套索。男孩却告诉姐姐说,这还不够结实。于是姐姐就剪下她那黑亮的长发,接着把它们编成一条套索。男孩说很好,它一定能抓住太阳。接着他便出发抓太阳去了。他走了好些日子,终于到达东边的大海。这是正是北国的夏天,太阳升起的很早。在太阳黎明出海时的地平线上,男孩设下了套索。然后他远远地观望。千真万确,黎明时分,就在太阳从海里升起跃出地平线那一刻,它落入了套索,很快便被套紧了。太阳无法升起来,它被大地紧紧地绑住了。  男孩对这结果得意极了。 “现在,”他说,“我已经惩罚了太阳,因为他弄坏了我的鸟皮大衣。”接着他返回了平原的家里。

That day there was no light upon the earth. It was twilight in all the land. The animals were in great fear and wonder. The birds fled to their nests, and only the owl came out to look for food. At last the animals and the birds called [50] a council to see what they could do. They found that the sun was tied to the earth by a snare. They decided that some one must go up close to the sun and cut the cord that held him. It was a very dangerous task, for the heat was very great and any one who tried to cut the cord would perhaps be burned to death. So they drew lots to see who should go. The lot fell to Woodpecker. And Woodpecker went up and picked at the cord with his bill. He tried hard to cut it, but it was a strong braid of woman's hair and it could not be cut easily. Woodpecker picked and picked at it for a long time. At last his head was so badly burned that he could stand the heat no longer and he had to fly away without cutting the cord. His head was red from the great heat. And ever since, poor Woodpecker has had a red head because the sun singed him when he tried to set him free.

那天世界失去了光明,大地被暮色笼罩。野兽们陷入了巨大的恐慌。 鸟儿们飞回他们的巢穴,只有猫头鹰反倒出来寻找食物。最后,鸟兽们召开了一次碰头会,讨论该怎么办。他们发现了太阳被一条套索绑在大地上。鸟兽们便决定让他们中一位靠近太阳,割断绑住它的绳索。  这是一个十分危险的任务,因为太阳太热了,无论谁去割断绳索,都有可能会被烧死。所以鸟兽们决定进行抽签。这签落到了啄木鸟的头上。啄木鸟便起身飞向太阳,并用它的尖嘴啄那根绳索。  它努力地想啄断它,但女人头发编成的绳子结实的很,哪有那么容易被啄断。  啄木鸟啄了又啄,啄了好长的时间。   最后,它的头被严重烧伤,它再也无法承受这种高温,不得不放弃割断绳子的工作。但他的头部已经被高温炙烤成了红色。   从此以后,可怜的啄木鸟有了一个火红的头,那就是他去解救太阳时留下的印记。

Then the animals called for a volunteer to undertake the task of cutting the snare. Mouse was at that time the largest and strongest animal in the world, and he thought that because of his great strength, it was his duty to attempt the hard and dangerous task. So he set out. When he reached the snare, he tried to cut the cord with his teeth, but the cord was strong and could not be cut easily. The heat was very great. Mouse would have run away, but he was so big and strong that he was ashamed to leave the task, for he thought that the smaller animals would laugh at him. So he stuck to his work and sawed the cord with his teeth, one hair at [51] a time. Soon his back began to burn and scorch and smoke. But he stuck to his task. Then he began to melt away because of the great heat, and the whole top of his body was burned to ashes. But still he stuck to his task for a long time, cutting hair after hair. Finally he cut the last hair; the snare parted, and the sun was at last free to continue his day's journey and give light to the world. And the animals and birds rejoiced greatly over the success of Mouse. But poor Mouse had melted almost entirely away in the great heat. When he went up to the snare, he was the largest animal in the world; when he came down, he was the smallest. And his back was burned to ashes. And ever since, Mouse has been the smallest animal in the world, and his coat has always been the colour of gray ashes, because he was scorched when freeing the sun from a snare in the old days.

野兽们又发出了号召,征求志愿者做这个割断套索的任务。那时候,老鼠是世界上最大最强的野兽。他想,我的力量这么强大,那么这项艰巨危险的任务,除了我还有谁够资格去做。所以老鼠就动身了。他到达套索后,先是想用牙齿一下咬断它。但绳子结实的很,可没那么容易就被咬断。这时,温度急剧升高。老鼠无法忍受,想要逃跑,但一想到他是巨兽,他是强者,他对放弃任务就觉得羞愧,因为那些小兽们会把他嘲笑。所以,老鼠把工作坚持了下去,他改用牙齿锯绳子,一次只能锯掉一根头发。很快老鼠的后背便灼烧起来,散发出焦臭和黑烟。但他仍坚持做着自己的工作。高温炙烤下,老鼠的身体开始了熔解,整个身体上部都被烧成了灰烬。但他还是坚持又坚持自己的工作,锯断了一根又一根的头发。终于,老鼠锯断了最后一根头发。套索解开了,太阳获得了自由,继续开始一天的旅行,重新给予世界光明。因为老鼠的成功,鸟兽们欢天喜地。但可怜的老鼠,在高温炙烤下,身子几乎整个熔化了。当他前往套索时,他是世界上最大的野兽;当他返回时,他却成了最小的那一位。他的后背已经化成了灰烬。从此以后,老鼠便成了世界上最小的野兽,他的表皮就成了灰烬的颜色,也就是灰色,这一切都是因为很久以前他在解救太阳时被烤焦了的缘故。

#2 琪琪爸爸 2010-10-14

要先报名哦~ ;P

挑个小刺儿哈,别生气:
Soon the boy had enough bird skins to make a coat, for he was very small. A few bird skins made his coat.
==>
很快男孩就有了足够的鸟皮去做外衣,因为他还非常小。丁点大的鸟皮要做外衣,

这句话的断句可能有点问题的,应该是
很快男孩就有了足够的鸟皮去做外衣,因为他还非常小,少少几只鸟的皮就够他做大衣了。

#3 慕子翔 2010-10-15

恩~~~~多谢了。
当时只想到和后面的联系,所以把它和后面那句连在一块了。
翻得时候就觉得有点问题。
因为A few bird skins 理解为丁点大的鸟皮实在牵强。
但就是没反应过来它是前面的补充~~~~
实在有点笨~~
不过原文把它独立也是有道理的,因为这样可以前后都照应。
恩~~~谢谢热心的朋友,还望提出更多的指正。
有些问题站在自己的角度,老看不到,看习惯了。
我先改喽,可以吗~~

#4 琪琪爸爸 2010-10-15

引用:
引用第2楼慕子翔于2010-10-15 08:55发表的  :
恩~~~~多谢了。
当时只想到和后面的联系,所以把它和后面那句连在一块了。
翻得时候就觉得有点问题。
因为A few bird skins 理解为丁点大的鸟皮实在牵强。
但就是没反应过来它是前面的补充~~~~
.......

哈哈,太客气啦。我没有仔细对照看完。
可以改的,我也问过这个问题的,哈哈~

#5 琪琪爸爸 2010-10-15

嘿嘿,继续挑刺,别生气哦~
=======================================

The snow lay deep on the plains
荒原上,雪越铺越厚
==> 原文没有“越”哦。

I shall try to kill one each day
我会每天杀死一只
==> try没翻译出来

He travelled many days until he came to the Great Water in the East.
他走了好些日子,终于到达东边的大海。
==> Great Water,也许可以想个更有趣的名字。

It was twilight in all the land.
所有大陆暮色降临。
==> “降临” 貌似不大合适...
也许,整个大陆笼罩在一片暮色中,或是类似的...

The animals were in great fear and wonder.
野兽们陷入了巨大的恐慌。
==> wonder没体现出来

At last the animals and the birds called a council to see what they could do.
鸟兽们举行了一次研讨会,讨论他们该怎么办。
==> call a council这里翻译得有点儿太正式了,我觉得。

Then he began to melt away because of the great heat,
灼热炙烤下,他的身体开始了溶化,
==> 融化,或熔化,不是溶化。 :D :D
我觉得融化比较好。有渐进的感觉。

because he was scorched when freeing the sun from a snare in the old days.  
这是因为在远古的时候,他从一个套索里解放了太阳,却被烧焦的缘故。
==> 原文没有“却”的意思吧。

#6 来来来 2010-10-15

第一段读起来太拗口了,她他太多了的,不就姐姐和弟弟嘛。个人认为可以适当修改一下,不然这段只适合默读,更不适合讲给坐对面的听众,谁知道“TA”这里是他还是她呢?

#7 慕子翔 2010-10-15

感谢各位朋友~~~
重新编辑了一下~~各位看看还有什么不顺眼的
一定要提出来呀~~~
刚重新检查时
真是~~~汗~~
确实拗口~~
自己以前看的时候怎么就没注意呢~~
还是粗心呀~~

#8 慕子翔 2010-10-15

The snow lay deep on the plains
荒原上,雪越铺越厚
==> 原文没有“越”哦。
原文确实没“越”,但我认为加上后,有一种时间的流逝感,交待了男孩在等待的过程~

I shall try to kill one each day
我会每天杀死一只  
==> try没翻译出来
已改,本来我是试图加强男孩的语气的,初版是“我要”
但想想没必要,还是改成“我会试着”吧

He travelled many days until he came to the Great Water in the East.
他走了好些日子,终于到达东边的大海。
==> Great Water,也许可以想个更有趣的名字。
单单翻译成“大水”因为后文没交待,显的突兀
现改为“汪洋大水”,但还是觉得不妥,各位有更好的建议吗~~

It was twilight in all the land.
所有大陆暮色降临。
==> “降临” 貌似不大合适...
也许,整个大陆笼罩在一片暮色中,或是类似的...
已改为“大地被暮色笼罩”
The animals were in great fear and wonder.
野兽们陷入了巨大的恐慌。
==> wonder没体现出来
我原来翻译的是“恐惧和惊慌”。
因为这里wonder更多的是疑惑的意思。
后来便精简成恐慌了~~

At last the animals and the birds called a council to see what they could do. ws >*[3l*  
鸟兽们举行了一次研讨会,讨论他们该怎么办。
==> call a council这里翻译得有点儿太正式了,我觉得。
确实有点~~改为碰头会了~~不知可以吗~~

Then he began to melt away because of the great heat, [oAI)q4_  
灼热炙烤下,他的身体开始了溶化,
==> 融化,或熔化,不是溶化。
我觉得融化比较好。有渐进的感觉。
我到觉得熔化好,有高温的感觉;且融化老觉得是雪和雪相似的东西专用的~~
不过这一处确实要有渐进的感觉,就改成熔解了~~后一处我改成熔化

was scorched when freeing the sun from a snare in the old days.  
这是因为在远古的时候,他从一个套索里解放了太阳,却被烧焦的缘故。
==> 原文没有“却”的意思吧。
原文确实没有,加上是为了谐趣~·

#9 来来来 2010-10-15

最后一段还有点拗口,为什么?因为翻译的时候,要调整成中文语序啦,前后的衔接词也可以发生变化的,不能总“但”的。比如
“老鼠那时候是世界上最巨大最强壮的野兽,他觉得既然他拥有如此巨大的力量,那么这项艰巨危险的任务,舍他其谁。”
----那时候老鼠是世界上最强大的野兽啦。老鼠本人也认为,既然自己拥有如此巨大的力量,那这项艰险的任务,舍我其谁呢。
当然我这个也不就对,总觉得还有更圆润点的。

#10 慕子翔 2010-10-15

恩~~说得有理~~
以前只翻译过一些英文的诗~~
第一次翻译大段的文字~~
还是太拘泥于原文了~~~
撒不开手脚~~
今天没时间了~~晚上回去后我再修正一下~~
明天发上来~~

#11 慕子翔 2010-10-15

好好思考下翻译这个问题,感觉自己定位不够清晰~~
不知自己想要的文字是什么样~~
先回去看看高手的吧~~

#12 大手拉小手 2010-10-16

很神奇的故事!
“负担起了两人的食物”
“他很自豪于他的战果,”
“你不要以为你站的很高,就可以逃脱我” 逃脱我?
这几句翻成中文有点别扭

#13 慕子翔 2010-10-16

本来今天没空上网的~~,但想到昨天答应了今天发的~~还是偷空来更新了~~
但楼上的提的我又没想到呀~~

#14 慕子翔 2010-10-16

“负担起了两人的食物”
打算改成“为两个人找吃的”

“他很自豪于他的战果,”
改为“他对他的战果感到自豪”

“你不要以为你站的很高,就可以逃脱我”
改为“就可以逃得了”

#15 慕子翔 2010-10-16

欢迎多多掺和了~~你的意见很好~~

#16 琪琪爸爸 2010-10-16

引用:
引用第10楼慕子翔于2010-10-15 17:29发表的  :
好好思考下翻译这个问题,感觉自己定位不够清晰~~
不知自己想要的文字是什么样~~
先回去看看高手的吧~~

要多讨论、多思考,才有进步。光看是不够的。
小小的建议是,写好以后,自己读出声试试,再讲给身边的小朋友试试。

#17 大手拉小手 2010-10-18

读了一遍中文,觉得不顺的地方就说了,我感觉自己翻译的时候也总是沉浸在英文故事里,但放在这里每个人都会给看出点问题, 表情占位:s:138 过几天我也争取参加,到时候多给我挑刺啊

#18 正在看牡丹 2010-10-18

整个看下来,觉得最大的问题是拗口,有些地方不太符合中文语序,代词也多了点,小弟弟和小姐姐说的话更是没有口语的感觉,比如“你要时刻留神,很快就会有一群雪鸟经过你的身旁。你可以射下一只来带回家去。”我的翻译是:“仔细看着,一会儿要经过一群雪鸟,你可以射一只下来带回家。”个人建议,大家一起探讨下:)
很喜欢这个故事,大老鼠变成小老鼠,把我感动坏了(虽然我很怕看到老鼠,嘿嘿)

#19 慕子翔 2010-10-19

本来更拗口的~~汗~~
改了许多遍了,这是翻得第一篇,没法子~~给自己找理由了~~
现在看有点麻木了~~就看了下你说的姐弟的对话,改了一下~其他实在看不下去了~~
待以后有点陌生感再说~~~